- When you tell me to give you my "pitch" you cheapen my profession and pretty much sound like a dick in the process. Please stop that immediately or I will hit you with sales cheese such as "If I can show you a way" or "I'd rather apologize once for a higher price than repeatedly for bad service". If you really piss me off, I will try to build rapport with you by simply scanning your desk and commenting on pics of your family, trophies and do everything I can to sound like every other sales rep who enters your domain.
- When you talk loudly on your cell phone in restaurants when I'm (God forbid) trying to enjoy a meal, I secretly hope that you eat something that causes you to Schart unexpectedly during a key meeting or perhaps while you are trying to posture yourself again at some other point of the day. Oh, and this whole talking on your cell in the restroom thing is just wrong. I'm thinking that a reprise of the old "We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool" sign could be modified to read "We don't take a leak in your office so please don't cell in our shitter"
- When you make comments like "You Salespeople have it made. Wining and dining people, golfing, power lunches" I want to have you sit and watch the video tape of my sales career of all the rejection I've faced, all the times I had to sacrifice an evening while I did my planning and then to the part of the tape where I have saved jobs at my company because of the bacon I have brought in. Better yet, let me just show you the cool part of the tape where I make my clients look like rock stars!
- When you silent fart in elevators, planes or any other CQF (Closed Quarters Farting) occurrences you make the hairs in my goatee fall out and worse yet I become one of the suspects in the "Oh no you didn't" looks. And why do they always think I did it? Do I have that "I just farted" way about me? Any who . . .
- When you attempt to have a sales meeting for our team I pride myself in the outer body experience I will have. Because of you I have mentally traveled Egypt, The Caribbean and a yet to be discovered planet called Glabitor 3. Oh, and please stop beating us up in the sales meetings. There's nothing worse than getting your ass kicked and then going out into the field feeling like you suck!
- Last, but not least, when you go on Linkedin and you launch into one of your stupid infomercials on the discussion threads, start a discussion and then leave without ever acknowledging your responses or publicly attack someone I simply want to remind you that your personal brand suffers when you do that. Actually, that's not completely true. I meant to say your personal brand suffers and I hope you get a hemorrhoid!
I hope you will take these things to heart and one day remove yourself from the ranks of the clueless.
Love you, mean it
OK gang. Today was about having some fun and talking about all the different attributes of "That Guy". At some point I will have to blog about . . .
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