Sales tips for the aspiring rock star!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

An Open Letter To "That Guy"!

Dear "That Guy",

I've been meaning to set the record straight with you for some time now but you know how it goes; we get caught up blogging, watching Family Guy perhaps even training a few Jedis but this aint about me amigo. This is about you with a capital "U" baby!

  • When you tell me to give you my "pitch" you cheapen my profession and pretty much sound like a dick in the process. Please stop that immediately or I will hit you with sales cheese such as "If I can show you a way" or "I'd rather apologize once for a higher price than repeatedly for bad service". If you really piss me off, I will try to build rapport with you by simply scanning your desk and commenting on pics of your family, trophies and do everything I can to sound like every other sales rep who enters your domain.

  • When you talk loudly on your cell phone in restaurants when I'm (God forbid) trying to enjoy a meal, I secretly hope that you eat something that causes you to Schart unexpectedly during a key meeting or perhaps while you are trying to posture yourself again at some other point of the day. Oh, and this whole talking on your cell in the restroom thing is just wrong. I'm thinking that a reprise of the old "We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool" sign could be modified to read "We don't take a leak in your office so please don't cell in our shitter"

  • When you make comments like "You Salespeople have it made. Wining and dining people, golfing, power lunches" I want to have you sit and watch the video tape of my sales career of all the rejection I've faced, all the times I had to sacrifice an evening while I did my planning and then to the part of the tape where I have saved jobs at my company because of the bacon I have brought in. Better yet, let me just show you the cool part of the tape where I make my clients look like rock stars!

  • When you silent fart in elevators, planes or any other CQF (Closed Quarters Farting) occurrences you make the hairs in my goatee fall out and worse yet I become one of the suspects in the "Oh no you didn't" looks. And why do they always think I did it? Do I have that "I just farted" way about me? Any who . . .

  • When you attempt to have a sales meeting for our team I pride myself in the outer body experience I will have. Because of you I have mentally traveled Egypt, The Caribbean and a yet to be discovered planet called Glabitor 3. Oh, and please stop beating us up in the sales meetings. There's nothing worse than getting your ass kicked and then going out into the field feeling like you suck!

  • Last, but not least, when you go on Linkedin and you launch into one of your stupid infomercials on the discussion threads, start a discussion and then leave without ever acknowledging your responses or publicly attack someone I simply want to remind you that your personal brand suffers when you do that. Actually, that's not completely true. I meant to say your personal brand suffers and I hope you get a hemorrhoid!

I hope you will take these things to heart and one day remove yourself from the ranks of the clueless.

Love you, mean it

Paul Castain

OK gang. Today was about having some fun and talking about all the different attributes of "That Guy". At some point I will have to blog about . . .

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  1. LMAO!!!
    This "Open Letter" gave me the boost I needed this morning....Thanks Paul, you nailed "That Guy" for all of us, who have had to deal with him!!! Can't wait to hear about "That Girl"

  2. It never ceases to amaze me the things people think they have the liberty to say to me just because I'm in sales. It is like their time is such a gift to me that I should be grateful when I'm told that I need botox (I am currently 23...) or that I should marry their son. He is just wonderful and great and unemployed. I will then spend the next several months e-voiding said son's inappropriate advances on Facebook and LinkedIn. I have even had a client ask my boyfriend to judge a bikini contest within seconds of me introducing them to her for the first time.

    New Sales Person Job Description:
    - Punching Bag
    - Scape Goat
    - Future Daughter-in-Law
    - Source of Infinite Self-Esteem

    My solution to the above issues involve several steps, starting with a warning smile and ending in a articulately caustic statement of my expectation for respect.

    Great post, Paul. Keep it up!

  3. this is well said

  4. Wow, this totally made my day! Thanks for the laugh and for vocalizing what we are ALL feeling about That Guy!

  5. Paul,

    You hit the nail on the head. The other thing I would add is the cheesey used car dealer rep or the in person spammer. This is the guy that goes to a networking events asks your name and company and starts pitching. They die quickly in the sales world.


  6. Hey. I had a suit just like That Guy, in the mid-70's, and a pair of platform shoes to go with it. Thanks for a great post.

  7. Hilarious, there was a lot of new vocab words for me in this post. Most of them concerning farting. Brilliant.

  8. Wow! Some really cool comments! I'm glad we were able to share a laugh or two along this crazy freaking journey.

    I even enjoyed hearing from you Kyle. Can you believe that?

    Any who, thanks for taking the time our of your busy day to share the love with Uncle Paul.

    Enthusiastic Rock Horns to all of you!

  9. What a guy. You are just funnier than a rubber crutch, but right on the money, too boot. Too bad so many of our customers say, "Give me your pitch," because piss poor performers have trained them that's what they can expect.

    Rock on.


  10. I couldn't agree more Hank!

    I never really looked at it from that angle. There are so many folks when asked to give their "Pitch" they say what the hell and pitch.

    And you rock on as well amigo!

  11. That is some funny Shit! Thanks for the post, it made my day. Hail to the leisure suit, wise cracking, smartass, pitch man!

  12. Allan Ritter, Web Marketing ProSeptember 24, 2009 at 10:49 PM

    You Rock, Paul!
    Thanks for all the great insights. When are you going to present a SALES SEMINAR in Denver? It's such a beautiful place. We have fresh air here!

    PS: How's the printing business back east? Any pockets of strong industries? I'm considering selling printing here. Have been also selling Web services.


  13. Paul, great as ever! Love it.

  14. That was great....all the things I have thought at one time or another, and so true.

  15. @Allan, Jay and Tracy: Muchas Gracias for stopping by and for the kind words.

    Allan: My answer is that its as strong as we want it to be. I have seen people sell incredible amounts during bad times and in depressed areas and I have seen the opposite.
    Its in the eye of the beholder fo shizzle!

    Enjoy the rest of the weekend and send this blog post along to someone who needs to laugh their ass off at least once this week!

    In the words of the immortal Dos Equis "Stay thirsty my friends!"

    Pablo Antonio Castain

  16. Paul,I almost fell out of my chair reading that people actually talk on their cell phones in the bathroom. Sorry, that would drive me over the edge. If the phone call is that important, WAIT to go, or let your voice mail get the call. And call the person back. What is wrong with people. I understand taking a call at a table, but I see it far to often a person on the phone in the drive thru of a restaraunt or in line at Dunkin Donuts...give your servers your attention, so they can wait on other people....duh..


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Paul Castain is the Vice President of Sales Development for Consolidated Graphics (CGX) one of North America’s leading general commercial printing companies. Paul has over 25 years of sales and sales leadership experience. He has trained, mentored and coached over 3,000 sales and sales leadership professionals. An accomplished public speaker, Paul has delivered numerous key note addresses. He has authored numerous training manuals, articles, blog posts and is currently working on his first book for release in 2011. Feel free to email Paul This has been a paid announcement by the friends of Paul Castain!

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